Dear Lucy,
by Ice of the Kitsune's Fire
Summary: If you tell me how babies are made, I'll give your underwear back. Maybe.
1. Dear Lucy

A/N: Because we all know Natsu would be a terrible speller and that he's probably never even written a letter before (I guess this would be a kind of 'spot the references!' thing if you've read my other stories, because there are probably just as many references as there are spelling errors). This will probably be two to four chapters or so.

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><p>(Deer) Lucy,<p>

Uhhh. So, I'm sitting here in my house and Erza is holding a sword to my throat and- _ow_! She just poked me! Anyway, um, I didn't want to put in that 'Deer' 'cuz it would sound weird, but Erza thretend to tell you that I still have your undees that I 'acidently' stole from you, and, uh, I guess I _really_ shouldn't have written that. I promise that I'll return the one with the pink lace and white bows if you don't kill me. Uh, I mean, I'm not saying I have any _other_ of your panties besides that one, but, uh… yeah. Fuck this. I'll get to the point now, cuz Erza is poking me again, and Gray says he'll freez your panties if I don't hurry up.

Er, not like I _want_ your panties or anything. Yeah.

So I was just sitting there in the guild, waiting for you so we could go out on a mishun, when Levy, Erza, and a bunch of other girls approchd me, and it's a _cuhnspirasee_, I say! Anyway, Levy forsed me to read this wierd book that I wouldn't have gotten through if it weren't for Mirajane going all Demon on me (and _dude_, Mira is _scary_ when she's like that! Even worse than Erza- wait, never mind, Erza's lookeen at me all scary and you can just ignore my shaky leterz…) It took me three hours to finish reeding fifty pages of that shitty book, but you don't need to know that.

But it got me thinking. And not the normal thinking, like when I'm thinking about how to fight to protect you, and everyone else, but like, the _weird_ thinking. Some of the things in the wierd book were really famileer, and, I guess… _ow!_ Erza, _stop it!_ I'm _getting_ there already! Can't you read what I'm riting- _ow!_

It made me think about when you sat with me on the annivirsary of Igneel's disapeerans, and it made me think about that one time everyone thought we slept together and that I was pregnant (I'm a _guy_, though, so how does that even work?) and that other time Loki said I should 'take you out' (althou I still don't get what was so wrong with us just literelly stepping outside of your apartment. That's tecknicaly us going out).

And that wasn't it! I mean, once, I painted the guild pink, and your face was all pink when I got close to you, and it was just like this one scene in that really wierd, corny book of Levy's! And another time, I told you that you were the main karacter in my fairy tale and you were all red and stuff, and even that one time you and Lisanna acidently swiched bodies and I realizd that I could tell who you were, even in someone else's body. And that you smell really comfurtble and, uh, homey.

But I think the book relly reminded me of that one time you went out with a guy, and it made me mad. I'm still not sure _why_ it made me so mad, but Gray and Erza and Juvia and Lisanna and Mira and everyone else keep saying it means I have a 'crush' on you (I wouldn't ever crush you! I mean, it'd hurt! Unless you wanted to spar, then I guess that'd be okay). But I did want to crush that Tilly guy. A lot. Because for some reason, it made me feel weerd when you left me to go have fun with some random guy, and didn't you promis we would always eat together?

Aaghafwdt, my hand is starting to hurt- _okay, okay_, Erza, I'll keep going! Stop _poking_ me, it hurts!

So, uh, after that weird thinking, my brayn really hurt, but Lisanna and Mira decided that I should write you a letter about all this (and if you think Mirajane can be scary, Lisanna when she's ditermend is _waaayyy _worse) about all this, and I'm not even sure why. But I guess that means that I have a 'crush' on you (and what does that mean? That I want to crush something on your body? Wouldn't that hurt?) or something. So Erza poked me with some metal sticks and Juvia thretend to drown me and Mirajane started glowing a _really_ scary shaid of purple, and, um, Bixlow tried to get me drunk. Which was weird, but I think he's gotten other people drunk before… what a nasty creep.

So here I am, in my house, scribling this letter to you. Erza says that I should be riting about the way I feel, but I'm not sure what that means. I guess you feel sorta warm? You feel blond. I touched your hair once, and it was soft- it also felt like you would taste like pork- do you like pork? I do.

_Ow_, damn it! I have to go beat up Gray in a second because he just froz my other hand and it hurt like a _bitch_ and now he's saying that I should be writing about how you make me feel inside. So, um, you make me feel warm. Like, warmer than usual, which is _really_ weird, which automaticlly makes you a really big weirdo, because my stomack starts feeling like I want to throw up or something, even if I haven't eeten. Does that make sense? It should, 'cuz you're wierd and you get weerd things, I think.

So, yeah. My hand is starting to cramp since I don't normaly write stuff, so I'll end this. How do you end a letter? Gray says to write my name, so I'll write my name.

Natsu-Dragneel-epic-futur-S-class-mage-and-son-of-the-awsum-fire-dragon-Igneel-who-also-feels-weird-about-you-because-you're-weird.

(P.S. I don't know what this means, but Levy just stormed in and told me to write it oderwise you wouldn't get the whole point of this, so I'll write it because the rest of the guild has just krashed through my door to try and reed over my shoulder, and Evergreen is saying she'll take off her glases if people don't get out of the way, and Bixlow is trying to get me drunk again.)

(P.S.S. Because Levy said so: Would you care to have a trist?)

(P.S.S.S. Levy told me that was speld wrong. It's 'tryst'. She ses I speld a lot of uther things wrong too, but I won't fix it.)

(P.S.S.S.S. What's a tryst?)


	2. Dear Natsu

Dear Natsu,

Would you care to explain what kind of person sends lingerie back to people along with a letter? Even more bewildering (or rather, _aggravating_) are these… _burn_ marks on my underwear. In addition, if I'm reading this right, you have _more_ pairs of my undergarments? I assumed that you only took one or two pairs when you were dressing up as a Princess for Wendy! For crying out loud, do you even _understand_ how hard it is to find a bra my size?

Was Erza really reading over your shoulder, or was she too busy trying to make you write more to attempt proofreading? I imagine it must have taken a considerable effort to make you write this much at all…

By the way, what do you mean by 'cuhnspirasee'?

I hate to be overly critical, but your handwriting only makes matters worse. But I suppose it can't be helped. If you want, I could tutor you, but you'd have to pay me because I still need to make rent somehow, and we haven't gone on a 'mishun' (_that _word I could understand) that's actually _paid_ us for a while, and-

And, oh.

Oh.

…

Wow.

Honestly, I'm surprised, and I suppose this is what I get for not reading your letter all the way through before penning a reply, but I'm really… I'm actually touched that you remember all those incidents. It's… unexpectedly sweet, sort of. And for the record, _neither of us_ are getting pregnant any time soon. In addition, painting the guild pink was a ridiculous idea. The fact that you know my smell by heart is a little creepy but sweet, and _the guy's name wasn't Tilly, it was Tommy!_

So let me get this straight. You seriously had no clue that all those times, I was trying to _flirt-_ wait, ignore that! What I meant was, all those times I was _attempting_ to use my appeal- wait, that's not what I meant either. But seriously, Levy had to force you to read a romance novel before you even _began_ to realize- okay, I give up. There's no way to properly communicate what I'm feeling right now.

So, uh… if what you've written is true, then I'm honestly stunned.

…

By your idiocy. _YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A CRUSH IS?_

But, I mean, it's not like you actually _have_ one on me. Right? I mean, you, who wouldn't know romance if it slapped you across the face, having a crush on _me_? I mean, it's not as if our relationship is anything more than platonic…

Oh, this is so frustrating! It would help if you could stop describing me as 'weird' (especially when you're the one with pink hair, and yes, before you become upset: _pink is a manly color_) and actually try to describe this- uh, 'feeling'- as something other than 'weird'. I don't quite follow your descriptions, either- how would you feel warmer than what can be perceived as an average body heat when your own is already insanely off the charts? Just being around you practically gives me a heat stroke!

I'm… not saying that _you're_ hot or anything. Yeah.

But, well, if you really _do_ like me, then I suppose that would be understandable, seeing as how I may or may not be okay with it. Because it's _possible_ that I have a 'crush' on you, and if you reciprocated my feelings, then it would be _possible_ that I wouldn't really mind. Maybe.

I… think I'll stop now before I get ahead of myself.

Sincerely,

Lucy Heartphilia

(P.S. Remind me to thank Levy later.)

(P.S.S. And, yes, I'll… er, I'll go on a date with you.)

(P.S.S.S. You have to pay for it because I still have yet to pay my rent.)


	3. From, Natsu

Lucy,

Dates and trysts? Are they even relaited? You're wierd.

My name:

Natsu-Dragneel-epic-futur-S-class-mage-and-son-of-the-awsum-fire-dragon-Igneel-who-also-feels-weird-about-you-because-you're-weird.

(P.S. I reffuse to thank Levy for putting me thru hell.)

(P.S.S. A cuhnspirasee is a cuhnspirasee. Duh.)

(P.S.S.S. I never got around to askeen, but what duz 'P.S.' stand for anyway?)

(P.S.S.S.S. We've gone on plenty of mishuns that payd us. We just lost the money on the way back.)

(P.S.S.S.S.S. I still don't get what my feeling weird about you has to do with trysts and dates.)

(P.S.S.S.S.S.S. Erza is gone today. I hid cakes in Fairy Tail, and I think she'll be there for a while.)

(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. If we go on a date, will you explane what a tryst is?)

(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. How else am I supposed to give your underware back? I mean, sereosliy.)

(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. You're a bad speler.)


	4. Lucy?

Dear Lucy,

You're being wierd. I mean, you didnt reply to the last leter I sent you and you even ignore me at Fairy Tail. So now it's your falt that Erza is forsing me to write this again and she's relly super pissed cuz youre upset and stuff, and I mean RELLY pissed. She beet me up and tide me to this chair and forsd me to rite you a e-mail cuz u didnt reply to the last two leters Erza made me send you. _Ow_- I mean, the last two leters I sent you. Damn it, Erza! Gray says you didnt reply cuz they were relly short but I culdnt sit and rite sometheen for very long cuz it got boring and Erza was gone.

So I gess it kind of makes sense that if you wont reply to leters, I should rite you a email, since Erza said that lots of people use them, but what are these red squiglees doing under everytheen I tipe?

Also, its' really hard useen a keybored. If I hit the wrong key and cant find the back button and get mad at the compyuter and just keep typeen it lo0kz a laeioot liadfke thisseat. Then Erza gets mad cuz she can't read it and then I get hurt so that's bad.

She's yelleen at me again to get to the point, so _fine!_ I just wanted to say that I _don't know what I did rong!_ I mean, I went to your place cuz you sed for me to, and you were all dressed up and stuff and we went out, but I was just acting like myself and yoo got mad! Even worse, you told me that a tryst and a date were the same theen but I still dont know what a tryst is so I think you're wrong cuz the word 'tryst' is too different from the word 'date' to be relaited. _OW_- Erza said that dosnt make sense. I think it makes plenty of sense.

THEESE RED SQUIGGLEES ARE RELLY IRRITATTING.

Wait, owowowowowaw3rw3rwi3 vjat4tg4 adf' ERZA STOP. Okay, okay!1!

Lucy, I'm sorry for whatever I did during our date/tryst/thing. You shuld tell me why I'm sorry, becuz I don't know. Does it hav anytheen to do with the place we went? Cuz I thot that their fire food was pretty bad and if you didn't' like it too, you shuld have just told me. I would have beeten up the guys there for you, if you wanted.

Becuz, um, well, Erza says that the wierd feeleen I get around you is actualee not a 'crush' but becuz I like you as in like like, as in I wuld marry you and stuff, wich is kinda funny because I don't see what crushing someone to a pulp has to do with like-liking people, but wutever.

Erza is relly exsited now, saying stuff like 'woAh! a Confeshon!' and stuff. What's a confesshun? Lucy, this is really frusterating. You're the only one I can depend on to tell me what stuff meens and I miss hanging around at your apartment and stuff. Can you just tell me why you're mad? Becuz for some reason I don't like it when you're mad at me- Erza says it's cuz I like you, and if Erza says so, then I guess I do (I mean, if I don't, then she'll hit me again), although Igneel told me a long time ago that I should get marrieed and then give him grandchildren. How the hell do I give him grandchildren? Actually, how are they made, anyway?

Erza just said Igneel's a pervert.

Erza lies. She lies like a cheap rug. Ahaha! Get it? _Wait, ow, Erza, no! Ow!_

So, uh, please use that weird button... the one with the 'R' and the 'E' and, uh, I don't know what that says, but I think it looks like 'reply', except they speld it wrong and added a extra 'V' and 'W'. But I gess theyre the same thing because I don't know how a compyooter works but it dusn't matter. Becuz the wierd feeling that makes my stomack feel weird and floppy is gone when you're gone but for some reeson I kind of miss it. Isn't that wierd?

Uh, if we have to get marrieed, we have to give Igneel grandchildren cuz Igneel said so.

My name:

Natsu-Dragneel-epic-futur-S-class-mage-and-son-of-the-awsum-fire-dragon-Igneel-who-also-feels-weird-about-you-because-you're-weird-but-maybe-it-means-I-don't-have-a-crush-on-you-but-Erza-says-I-like-you-but-I-dunno-but-Erza-says-it's-okay-if-we-get-mareed.

P.S. I'll give you back the rest of your lacy undeez if you reply.

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><p><span>AN: Unbeta'd, but that's okay because Natsu's writing skills are bound to make anyone's eyes bleed either way. Anyways, this is the last chapter. That being said, there is a not-so-subtle nudge as to who must reply to Natsu, so let's not leave him hanging, folks!

Edit: Maybe it's a little confusing, so I'll say it like this: **Natsu is asking you, the reader, to reply as Lucy**, which is why the last chapter is open-ended. Of course, you don't have to, but it's more fun that way, no?


End file.
